War, men and menopause

by Lisa Sealey, Founder, AfterShock

I’ve been thinking a lot these past two days, with the news of Russia’s – well, Putin’s – invasion of the Ukraine. Thinking about how fragile peace is and how slow evolution feels after my 50+ years on this planet. How are we talking about a Russian invasion and potential nuclear attack in 2022? How can we have a state in the U.S. that refuses to allow classroom discussion about sexual orientation or gender? When are we going to feel like true equality has arrived for all, no matter skin color, gender, or nationality?

Although I’m married to a biologically-born male and have raised three boys and a male dog – all of whom I love and (mostly) respect, times like these raise memories about the entitled and self-centered men I’ve dealt with in my lifetime. Thankfully the situations have mostly been in my work environments. But being exposed on a daily basis to news about the abundance of egotistical and borderline sociopathic men aggressively and shockingly abusing their power – whether in politics, educational settings or in their own homes – settles. It seeps into your bones and colors your perspective. I can’t escape it.

I can’t escape the story a woman whispered to me at a work event about her creepy boss’ sexual advances or the story of a young man I know whose mom is being hit by her boyfriend, but she stays, for the money and security. I can’t forget a job interview long ago where the interviewer (oh how I wish I remembered his name) reached across the table and took food off my plate asking, only when the potato had already been stabbed and was on its way to his mouth, “if I minded.” Thanks Babycenter.com, for not offering me that job because I was desperate for one and can you imagine what type of boss HE would have been?

Entitled, yes. Clueless, yes. And unfortunately, wired into the DNA of cis males. As wired as biologically born women’s tendencies towards collaboration and community. We know this. But how it plays out in midlife, personally and culturally, becomes very interesting.

Evolution and Menopause

Survival of women beyond fertility means survival of the “tribe.” While tribe means something very different than it did thousands of years ago, biologically we’re the same, even if the cultural and societal constructs are very different.

There are only a handful of species where the female lives beyond her reproductive years: Humans, killer whales and pilot whales are the only mammals that experience menopause. We all share a relatively long lifespan that involves mothers living in close quarters with their daughters. It is thought that the older females have evolved to forfeit their ability to reproduce so that they can use their time and energy to nurture their daughters’ offspring, as they are more likely to survive than an ageing female’s young. This is known as the grandmother hypothesis. Also, grandmothers do not want to compete for vital resources, such as food.

How can we imagine this survival? Women are the keepers of all information in their tribe. Women know, with our superior associative memories, what red flower killed Fred, what fruits from what trees best hydrate a dehydrated baby. And on and on. Dr. Louann Brizendine notes this behavior in her book The Female Brain:

“Many evolutionary psychologists have speculated that this ability to feel another’s pain and quickly read emotional nuance gave Stone Age women a heads-up to sense potential dangerous or aggressive behavior and thus avoid the consequences to themselves and protect their children.”

It’s the essential knowledge accumulated by women throughout their lifetimes that allowed everyone ­– e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. – to survive from the Stone Age. And in modern times, it’s the enormousness of this fund of knowledge that should allow us to thrive.

That is, if any of us survive, the (seemingly) small and the massive challenge, and everything in between. The New York Times recently reported that the IBM company engaged in a years-long campaign to rid their workforce of older workers, calling them “dinobabies”. Now, never mind that I suspect any years-long effort at a big company like IBM would have had to be approved by senior management (and those people are probably, well, “dinobabies” themselves). Secure in their jobs dinosaurs, I guess. A choice email uncovered by NYT included a reference to IBM’s “dated maternal workforce” ­– the older women– “This is what must change. They really don’t understand social or engagement. Not digital natives. A real threat for us.”

Let’s talk about real threat. And why women, especially older women, who’ve lost the estrogen that fuels complicity and politeness – are biologically primed and ready in midlife to step in and to save humanity through collaboration and community rather than ego and aggression. We say this with zero overstatement and deep hope that women across the globe do just that. And, just as women do (and did long ago – again, why the tribe survived) we – Lisa and Kate and our tribe – are delightfully acting in concert to make this knowledge front and center for all women. Each story of midlife and menopause is individual. There’s not going to be one recipe, but we’ll provide as many roadmaps and as much support as possible to those seeking lanterns on this path. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we still know which type of berry kills Fred.