Kitchen Talk
It’s January in San Francisco. It’s cold inside Kate’s house. Her boiler broke the day I arrived and we’re wearing puffy coats and hats in her kitchen. We’re together for the weekend to design our first AfterShock workshop/retreat. In between bursts of structured “curriculum” writing, we do what we do best: Talk. And pace in between making cups of tea and snacks, and crowding around the space heater to try and get warm. Today’s kitchen (icebox?) talk includes Kate dropping the evolutionary bombs about the role of menopause in our survival as a species and my focus on how important it is to educate women about how powerful this time can be for them. Listen in:
Kate: Look, our increasing understanding of genetics – and our ability to track human development over a million years – has shown us that every developmental stage has purpose and meaning. Otherwise it wouldn’t be there. Mother Nature doesn’t afford us cycles that don’t enable tribal survival. Darwinian forces are acting upon us: Women outlive men on average by 10 years. We outlive our reproductive capacity by decades. Why would that be? Because the advantages flow back to the tribe.
Lisa: Isn’t it amazing that we’ve reached a point, in 2023, where we’re just now starting to talk about menopause in general and how powerful it is, in smaller arenas. Really, we’re the first generation of women reaching this stage that are starting to speak out publicly about what we’re going through. And how it’s impacting our minds and bodies, our relationships, our work. Too bad the conversation is still leading with “lose your menopause belly” but hey, it’s a start.
Kate: Yea, that’s the base level. I guess we’ve all been conditioned to begin conversations about women with our looks. Our fertility. Which is probably because we don’t want to (yet) talk about the power that’s inherent in this life phase. The post-menopausal woman becomes uncompromising and has the ability to determine what’s essential for the group. Make no mistake, that’s allowed us to survive. There’s a great beauty in not giving a fuck about men – or a partner of any kind for the purpose of mating. Sorry everyone. We’re not supposed to at this stage because we’re the ones that are going to continuously distribute the tribes’ resources.
Lisa: You have to continually evaluate and appreciate where you’ve been, what you’ve learned and recognize the value of your experience. It’s a crystallizing experience. A chrysalis. And the mindset we want to change is that you’re not meant to go quietly into the night. Mother Nature…evolution…says exactly the opposite. It’s now about standing your ground and not compromising. It doesn’t signify that you’re a mean person or a bitch, which again, is the common trope about menopausal women. We care and love as deeply as we have loved. We’re just not seeking your approval. Which can be a shock when everything in our society has been designed to make us complicit and to not recognize or value women’s voices.
Kate: This is why many hetero marriages end at this time, instigated by women. You’ve changed on a cellular level. That’s a shock for your partner as well. The brain does go through some shrinkage during peri menopause. But it comes back after you’re through it – and it’s with new neuronal connections. Remember, until a mere 7000 years ago we lived in a matriarchy. And we worshipped fertility, which really just means abundance and survival.
Lisa: So really our job is to remind women that this second half of life is not just about losing things – fertility, youth, wrinkle-free skin, opportunity – but about recognizing the depth of what remains and what’s ahead, right? Experience. Wisdom. Not giving a fuck. It’s unbelievably powerful and I’ve seen what that looks like when we really embrace it.
Who else is talking about this? See here. And here. And here.