Compromise, aggression and divorce

by Dr. Kate Beyer

Three words you’ve probably never seen in a headline. But there’s a point, believe me. And it begins with the first word: compromise. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting in the past year about compromise, my own recent experience unraveling its effect on my marriage, the biological underpinnings of it and what happens to our desire to compromise during the menopausal years.

Who are the compromisers?

A 2016 study by the Journal of Consumer Research found that women are the compromisers. In almost every decision made among decision-making pairs, the female-female pairs chose compromise, or the “middle ground” choice. The male-male pairs chose one of the extreme options (interestingly, not one that they would prefer if they chose alone.) The research also found that compromise is criticized among men but embraced by women.

So, how is it that women compromise so much mentally and physically in relationship? In retrospect, I believe I was able to make my marriage work for so long because of an instinctual drive to compromise. Our brains are wired for it – they literally harness us to compromise. No doubt there are also strong societal, religious, political, and familial norms that demand compromise of women, however the potent pull of the female brain’s wiring is stronger.

I can’t take credit for the deep understanding on this topic, born in the brilliant book by Dr. Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain (read our book review here.) But I’ve studied her work and, as a practicing psychiatrist, MD of 25 years, I’ve met and treated hundreds of women. I’ve seen how the biology norms stand true. Our wiring forces compromise and tamps down challenge, especially when the challenge comes from an Alpha Male.

This behavior isn’t learned. When anything is broadly observed in a population, even if it looks like an instantaneous reaction, you know it’s wired – it’s not really a choice. The response is instinct, a message delivered to your brain via neuro chemicals. Those principal neuro chemicals differentiate our responses. We are no different from animals. And here’s where aggression comes in.

Aggression

In humans, in fact in all animals, the difference between male and female size is called dimorphism. Almost all male animals are bigger than females. The greater the size differential, the less parity in the relationship. It doesn’t matter the type of animal. Men are on average 30% bigger than women: 1/3 heavier and 1/3 stronger. There’s evolutionary wiring that responds to that differential. Think about the male voice: it’s deeper and heavier. Your brain instinctually says, “this must be attended to.” In evolutionary history, if you did not jump or move when the male animal barked, you could be killed or maimed or denied food for you or your children.

And this played out for me at the end of my marriage. It’s still hard for me to believe that after 20 years of marriage I could not have predicted my husband’s behavior as our marriage began to unravel.  I failed to predict just how enraged he would be and the violence that would ensue. Late one night he kept pressing me to talk about our issues, despite my insistence I was too tired and didn’t want to. That was the trigger: I didn’t want to talk about HIS NEEDS NOW. It brought up in him a horrific animal response. He grabbed my arm and flung me through the air, face first into a wooden fence. He then came up behind me and pressed on my neck to the point where I couldn’t breathe. And, just like that, I learned what I had really been up against for 20 years: An angry, Alpha Male who understood instinctually that if he barked at me, if he expressed needs that weren’t met, he’d get what he wanted. It had worked every time. I had always taken in his anger or discontent and hustled like mad to fix it for him. Until one night, I didn’t. And then he almost killed me. It’s an extreme example, but not uncommon.

Divorce

Because of this terrifying and aggressive end to my marriage, I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about divorce. Why do so many women in midlife/post-menopause get divorced? And why is it that women, as statistics continually show, are more often the ones that ask for divorce? When I finally brought up my unhappiness to my husband – after months of frequent fights and a clearly-waning identity as a couple, I was done. Like a switch had flipped. To outsiders it probably felt sudden, rash, impulsive. Why would I throw away 20+ years and upset the balance of my family? Why wouldn’t I “work on it?” But my feeling – more than a feeling, a deep knowing – was that I HAD worked on it for 20 years.

Once the words left my mouth, there was no turning back. And while I felt horrible for my sons it was also the first time I’d really thought about me. I had married an Alpha Male with anger problems that I successfully ignored for the sake of my children. But the thought of my impending 60th birthday, coupled with the fact that my mother and father are both almost 90 – made me think hard about the many years ahead for me. I knew it was no longer in me to keep doing the relationship I’d been doing. The beauty of menopause is that as reproductive hormones wane, you gain clarity. What you put up with in your childbearing years is no longer tolerable.

The takeaway is that there is wiring for the compromise. And there are many, many good things that come of this wiring. Some of it is fantastic and helps make for great marriages. Compromise and bonding are extremely necessary and, really, make marriage doable in their most positive expression. But you need to be conscious about this instinct. We have huge brains – males and females –we can be conscious and self-observing. If we raise our general consciousness about these issues, we can prevent bad outcomes and ameliorate situations. So that we don’t spend ourselves, emotionally, physically and endlessly, left holding a very empty bag as we move into these very powerful decades of our lives.